Posts Tagged ‘jokes’

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed…..

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years?  That’s a pretty long time to perform.  How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed……

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty years and I’ll give back to you the other forty?”
And God agreed again……

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God.  ”You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.  “I want to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.

“Fine,,” I said,, “Then I want to die when England win the world cup.”

“You crafty bugger!” said the fairy.

Rules that only parents can really appreciate:

* Bribery works
* It’s perfectly OK to have a glass of wine at 5.30pm
* Before children, luxury is a day at a spa. Afterwards it’s having a bowel movement without someone shouting at you through the door.
* Feminism has done me no favours. I now have to cook, clean, wash clothes, look after a child as well as going to work, making important decisions and balancing books.
* Baby wipes clean everything. So you can throw all your old cleaning products away – there’s no need for them any more
* It is possible for a one year old to get stuck in a cat flap, and if he does, it will be a toss up whether you free them or run for the camera.
* You can tell your child’s height by looking at the snot marks on your jeans.
* If there’s a hole, they will put something into it.
* A small child weighing no more than two stone takes up at least two thirds of a king size double bed
* The male incapacity to keep hands and willy apart starts at a distressingly young age
* There’s no one like a young child for letting your friends know what you really think of them
* Children don’t actually die if they eat cat food… it may even give them shinier hair and stronger teeth
* Babies are just as happy with the box something came in as they would be with any toy you could buy them. Consequently, second children mostly own boxes that boring things came in
* Just when you have managed to move everything out of their reach, they will learn to get a chair to make themselves taller
* Opening a new box of nappy sacks to discover that they are a different colour to the normal ones (and subconsciously debating which you prefer) can be the highlight of your day
* The number of people with second children makes it a statistical possibility that somebody, somewhere, will find your post natal body attractive again
* You will stare at other parents’ buggies to check out whether they are better than yours even though you know it is a sad thing to do
* No matter how squeamish you are, you will, at some point, cup your hands to catch their sick
* You will prod your sleeping baby just to check they’re still alive
* You will regularly shout “Stop Shouting” at the top of your voice
* Whatever your intentions, you will end up sounding just like your mother
* If you drop the baby, it’s an accident; but if your partner puts her down a touch too hard, it’s grounds for full scale war
* You will find that your partner’s need for sleep is always greater than yours
* It doesn’t make you a bad parent if you draw a moustache on the baby for a laugh, but it’s best not to do it with indelible marker the day before an appointment with the health visitor
* If you make home seem really boring, they will be much more willing to go to school
* You must accept that once your child can talk, they will from then on know more than you and you will become more stupid in proportion to their increasingly knowledge
* Do not buy a yellow potty
* Other people’s babies – the ones who sleep through the night from two weeks, and behave immaculately in later months – are cobbled together in a laboratory somewhere
* If you feel there is any chance of the cuddly toy you are about to purchase being “THE ONE”, buy two and save yourself a lot of trauma later
* Never wake a sleeping baby – unless it’s got jaundice
* At the supermarket, put everything they nag you for in your trolley, then, when they aren’t looking, take it all out and scatter it in the aisles
* When your small baby hasn’t had a poo for two days, you should dress it in a babygro with feet attached
* Get one of those “radio” phones that allows you to walk about the house while you talk. That way you can wipe bottoms, sort out fights and even do the ironing while you chat to friends. Alternatively, you could tie a phone to your head with a pair of tights
* Similar to Newton’s third law, for every opinion in parenthood there is an opposite opinion – but not an equal one. Trust yourself – not your mother in law.

THIS IS A NON PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES …

Whilst walking down the street one day a “Member of Parliament” is tragically hit by a truck and dies.His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter.. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.
‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’
‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP.
‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises….
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning… …

Today you voted.’

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower..
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

WE KNOW YOU’RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT’S SOOOOOOOO TRUE!!!!!!

Remember to send in you favourite jokes to us at sentinella and the ones that make us laugh the most will get published

Tee Time Anyone?

From The ED …

Well, hello there, did you miss us?

It feels like such a long time since I last wrote this column. Even though it seemed like a little holiday at the start, I think you will see that we have been really busy…

Your new bi-monthly, Sentinella Costa West Edition is jam packed with even more than before. We have some great new contributors who will be giving you advice on subjects from keeping healthy, looking good, improving your homes and gardens to understanding your pets.

Our advertisers all offer the best quality services and products at very affordable prices. If in doubt, just give them a call and find out for yourself and please do remember to tell them where you saw their ads.

Spring is here and Summer is just around the corner so I have been out discovering some of the different sporting activities there are in the area. I have recently joined Marbella Netball Club (see pg 24) and am about to learn to play golf… why not come and join me?

If you fancy a day trip or even a weekend away, why not pop up to Juzcar or Ronda? They have so much to offer and are only 40 minutes from Marbella …get up there before all the summer tourists arrive!

Remember that our next Issue will be out at the end of May for June/July so send in any requests for Summer articles or your favorite silly jokes by email to costawest@thesentinella.com

The Sentinella Costa West is a community magazine aimed at expats who have decided to move to Spain. It is distributed in the  Costa Del Sol  region of Spain (in the province of Malaga) covering the  West Coast of Malaga,  from Riveria del Sol to San Roque on the coast  and inland to Ronda. The Sentinella Costa West has been established for two years.

There are  four editions of The Sentinella Global Magazine Network which has been established for over 5 years.

Our magazines and websites are designed to put a smile on you face! Feel free to send in your own funny jokes/ stories/experiences of life here in Spain … oh, and don´t forget to tell us what you would like us to feature…